Thoughts Of Speed
by Kuroi Neko-kun
Summary: [Gentle Slash] Chapter7:The Other Side- Heartbroken by dejection, Speed transfers to Las Vegas in replacement of Sara Sidle. Will he find refuge or more pain? Pls R&R!
1. When I'm Gone

**Thoughts of Speed**

**Chapter 1: When I'm Gone…**

By: Kuroi Neko-kun

Summary: Heartbroken by dejection, Speed transfers to Las Vegas in replacement of Sara Sidle. Will he find refuge or more pain?

From: CSI-CSI: Miami

Warnings: Slight slash/ Lots of slash 

Disclaimer: All of them belong to CBS. I borrow, twist their minds, then brainwash them to remember what they should and let them go. No real harm… Really!  

A/N: This is a teaser. It's short, so I hope it does good teasing… X_x

-------------------------------------------------------

_Tim Speedle's Point-Of-View:_

It was not an easy goodbye. Then again when were goodbyes ever easy? Everyone was there at the Miami airport, either resigning to my departure or hoping that I would change my mind. There was only one person who could change my mind from heading to Las Vegas but he was not saying the words I wanted him to say. I avoided his blue eyes when he spoke. His voice had lilts of hope that I would stay but nothing in it said about his feelings. He asked me whether I was sure and I said yes with such vigor that it took him by surprise. He patted my shoulder before allowing me to leave. I trudged to the departure hall, faking a smile to all my other friends. As I walked away, I felt the choke in my throat and the excruciating pain in my heart. After all the wonderful nights together, would it kill him to say three simple words? What am I even thinking? I got myself into this mess. I got us drunk. I offered to let him stay in my apartment. I kissed him. I ripped his shirt off. So this was entire my fault. I expected too much, especially when he told me that he could not let this continue. He was in love with his brother's widow. I knew it even before I engaged in sexual activities with my own boss. I could only shout back at him that day when he told me that. 

"Why didn't you stop me when we kissed the first time?! Why did you let me take you in my room?! Why, Horatio, why?!" Those questions will probably haunt him now. I hope it does. I hope he thinks about me every time he sees my replacement. Still, would it kill him to turn to me, smile his own special way and say," I love you, Speed." Even just to make me stay? I sighed, knowing that those words would never be spoken now. I hope that Las Vegas proved to be what it was: Second Chance City.

-------------------------------------------------------


	2. Adaptation

**Thoughts of Speed**

**Chapter 2: Adaptation **

By: Kuroi Neko-kun

Summary: Heartbroken by dejection, Speed transfers to Las Vegas in replacement of Sara Sidle. Will he find refuge or more pain?

From: CSI-CSI: Miami

Warnings: Slight slash/ Lots of slash 

Disclaimer: All of them belong to CBS. I borrow, twist their minds, then brainwash them to remember what they should and let them go. No real harm… Really!  

A/N: WAH~~!! No one reviewed!!! 

Since ff.net ruins the usual paragraphing, this "~~~" means it's a new paragraph. 

-------------------------------------------------------

_Tim Speedle's Point-Of-View:_

I had grown to adapt at the Las Vegas Crime Lab. Even when the people here make it easier to call it home, I never felt the same. I learned that I was transferred here to replace Sara Sidle. She went to take my place in Miami. I thought it was simple revenge towards Horatio to let him agonize in what he had inadvertently caused. But that was too cruel. On that day, I knew that Sara Sidle left for the same reasons I did without talking to anyone. I saw it in Gil Grissom's eyes when I first stepped into his office. It was guilt. I've seen it too many times before in Horatio's eyes. I knew that he did the same thing to Sara that Horatio had done to me. I felt my own guilt overwhelm me. I never knew that it could hurt worse than the pain I felt then. 

~~~

"Hey, Tim!" I heard the crazy lab technician call out over the loud music as I entered the DNA lab," I got the results for you." I gave him a look. I was working this case with Grissom. 

"Aren't you supposed to hand it to Gil?" I asked, puzzled.

"I'm lazy and you're working with him," he explained, passing me the file," did Hodges tell you that all of this should be passed to Gil?" He gave me a goofy grin. I shook my head and sighed. 

"A genuine case of the suck up lab tech," I drawled before flipping through the file.

"But he's not the only one with his lips stuck to Grissom's ass," Greg teased. I glared at him. Despite my closure with all the other co-workers, lab techs, C.S.I. and detectives alike, Greg gave me something I have never thought of having at work: A best friend. After my only one died, I told myself that I would never have one ever again. But Greg was giving me tints of him since we met. Because of that, I opened up to him, telling him my life story. For a guy who listens to rock music, which I do not have any qualms of, he's a great listener. And his two cents worth proved to be… well, more than two cents. He had told me that what Horatio was going to do was inevitable and I was asking for it. I had to move on. I knew that deep inside but to have someone point it out made a lot more sense. From that on, Greg and I were inseparable. And he was the comfort that I needed. The spiky haired lab rat gave me a smirk before flipping through his CD pouch. "I feel like Deep Purple? You?" I returned the smirk as the song played. He started drumming to the beat with two markers. I started laughing at his crazy antics as a rock band drummer. But soon enough, I was playing air guitar when 'Smoke On The Water' started playing. The both of us were completely taken off by Grissom when he came in and stopped the player.

"Is this a crime lab or a circus?" he asked. 

"Rock concert more like," Greg quipped. Grissom gave him a look, making him cower. 

"I've been waiting for my results, Greg." The lab tech raised his hands.

"Hey, don't look at me. I gave it to Tim," he said, near innocent. I glared at him. 'Traitor', I mouthed as I handed the file to Gil. He just grinned as Gil dragged me out of the lab.

~~~

The shower was refreshing as it helped wash off the tiredness and the heat away from my body. I was thinking of lying in for throughout the morning when the phone rang. I picked it up.

"Hello?" There was someone on the other line. I was sure as I heard breathing. Soon, the person hung up. That was weird. Who would call at this time? My mind tugged at my ex-boss but I put it away as I hung up the phone. Thinking about tonight's shift made me forget about him. I was genuinely happy. Nick and Warrick were having a fun time poking at jokes about Hodges. I nearly coughed my lungs out. I talked to Catherine anything I could think of. She seemed to be a lot different at work than when she was in Miami. She was nicer and warmer her. I seriously think that her personality was fueled by the Las Vegas weather. I told her that I could not wait to see Lindsay. And truthfully, I can't wait. And, of course, Greg and I returned for a second band session, just to annoy Grissom. Life was good and a lot more different than in Miami. I do miss it. But I knew that going back would mean a lot of things that I do not want to go through. The phone rang again. I picked it up, hoping that the person on the other line would say something.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Tim." It was Greg. 

"Greg, it's three in the morning…" I droned. 

"Gee, you sound like Grissom," he drawled," are you trying to get on his good side?" I wished this was not a phone call. I want to smack the back of his head so bad. Ever since he made up the joke that I'm attracted to authority, he never let it down. 

"What is it?" I asked, annoyed.

"Actually, I was worried about you. There was something about tonight that didn't add up. Are you thinking about something?" God, was it that obvious that Greg could notice? I didn't say anything but sigh. It's useless to hide now. 

"I was thinking about Sara Sidle, Greg, and the reason she left." I heard Greg sigh before speaking again.

"She left with the same reasons you left Miami, Tim," he said," but there weren't any involvement. Gil just won't let it happen. Before even looking through the peephole, he shut the door. He wants to be alone."

"Hey, you make it sound bad," I quipped. He just laughed.

"So I must warn you to never venture that road. He'll break your heart," was his retort before laughing again.

"Good night, Greg," I muttered before placing the phone down. He did not call back to apologize. Good, it gives me a very good reason to smack his head tomorrow.

~~~

"Ow!" Greg howled as I hit him with the file I was holding," why did you do that?!" I just smirked before taking a seat beside him. He was blasting a bass-induced rock band. I really did not know what band but it will sure make the boss completely pissed. And he did. Grissom entered and plugged out the CD player before it destroyed the DNA lab another time. Yes, I knew about the explosion too. Greg told me he barely got over it. I told him that he had to move on. It was Grissom's turn to smack him with a file. "Hey!" the lab rat bayed as he clutched the back of his head. "Why is everyone hitting me?" I crossed my arms and gave him a look.

"Because you enjoy pissing people at every chance, Greg," I answered. The spike head turned to the Bugman.

"And what can I do for you today? Coffee, tea or DNA sample?" Grissom just passed him the swabs he collected and sighed. 

"Just run these for me, Greg. Bad enough I have to make trips to Hodges after this," he pointed to the CD player. Hodges? Ah, opportunity. I wanted to get back on that guy for giving me crap on my first assignment.

"I'll lighten the load," I volunteered. Gil gave me a look.

"This is Hodges we're talking about," he pointed out.

"I know. Come on, Gil. I'm on the case too," I said, sounding casual. Greg was giving me a knowing look. Gil shrugged before turning to Greg.

"Can't you play any classical music?" 

"The only classical I know is AC/DC and Metallica, Gil," Greg said before we watched Gil leave.

~~~

I walked to Trace, knowing Hodges would be there. I never did like the guy because he was such a pain and he sucked up to Gil so much that his lip prints was visible on the man's rear. Greg had asked me what my plan on Hodges was. I just said," wait and see." I had my share on suck ups before in Miami and I managed to get everyone involved in it. Yes, everyone, including Horatio. I had not talked to anyone here about my plan. I hope it works. I went into Trace where Hodges was looking through the microscope.

"I'm not done with the report, go away," he mechanically said. 

"Hodges, are you planning to give it to Gil yourself?" 

"I thought I told you that all the reports have to—"I just smirked at him and held out an evidence bag that contained a neon pink thong. He kept himself tightlipped.

"You know how good the DNA lab can be, right? And we have all the employees DNA records in case of contamination of evidence. I can slip this to Greg anytime to match yours, Hodges."

"You can't do that," he argued. Wrong move, cow. You just admitted that you owned this. I gave him a look.

"I have the evidence, Hodges," I said.

"You went through personal property. I can report you," he tried to argue. 

"And what? Tell everyone you own a neon pink thong?" I watched him think about the consequences. 

"What do you want?"

"Just make sure that all the CSIs get their trace reports from you. If I hear one of them utter your name because you went to Grissom before them and if I hear Grissom grumble about you sucking up to him, I will pass this to Greg and he'll let the whole crime lab know about your fetishes," I said, in a dangerously soft voice. He nodded slowly. "Now can I have my trace report?" Slowly, Hodges passed me the report. I quietly left Trace after.

~~~

 "Blackmail? Man, you are evil, Speedle," Greg commented as he took the evidence bag from me. He looked at the thong with disgust," ew, Hodges has bad taste."

"What color would you wear?" I mused, taking a sip of the coffee Greg made. 

"Black with a butterfly stud," he answered. I snorted into my coffee before shaking my head. Greg is such a kidder. Well, I hope he is kidding.

"I thought imagining Hodges in those was bad enough," I pointed out, grinning.

"Heh, I've seen worse," he said," on women." I gave him a look. "Oh, come on, Tim, there was a time when you got drunk so bad, you woke up with a dinosaur on your bed." My smile faltered. Greg had accidentally touched a nerve there. I knew it was not his fault but I slammed the coffee cup onto the table and left. 

~~~

He must have realized it later because he came after me when I was in the locker room, going through my stuff. And the look on his face was a sad one.

"Tim…" He started. I continued to ignore him as I packed in some clothes I had left in there. "Tim, listen… I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry. I know I touched a nerve but I thought you seriously got over it." Got over it?! You mean get over the lusciously tempting body of Horatio Caine? How can I get over the fact that he was great? Or beautiful? And the fact that he was caring and gentle as well as a dangerous lover? Greg did not know this because I could not let him know. But he had to. So that he cannot trip on my nerve again.

"Look, Greg," I started saying," I left because Horatio never let the fact that I was not straight go. He opened the door, let me have a breather, and then slammed it at my face. That was compromised with the fact that he was incredible in bed as well. Every time I hungered for his touch, he gave in. But when I started talking about a relationship, he backed off and shut me out. I was his goddamn dinosaur and I hate knowing that fact. I'm tainted, Greg, by Horatio Caine. I left to choke it, not give it life, but when I lie in bed, I remember…" I felt the tears in my eyes flow down my cheeks. Greg handed me a tissue and I took it. He let me cry it out before patting my back.

"Better?"

"Thanks," I said, smiling at him," I never thought that I'd still be talking about this when I got here." Greg smiled.

"I'm too good," he quipped," Besides, everyone needs a friend." I blinked at him, knowing how right he was. A friend… I messed his hair and smirked.

"I think I found the best one," I told him. 

"Oo, are we going to wear B.F.F. bracelets now?" I glared at him.

"Don't push it, Greg…"

-------------------------------------------------------


	3. Horatio And Gil

**Thoughts of Speed**

**Chapter 3: Horatio and Gil**

By: Kuroi Neko-kun

Summary: Heartbroken by dejection, Speed transfers to Las Vegas in replacement of Sara Sidle. Will he find refuge or more pain?

From: CSI-CSI: Miami

Warnings: Slight slash/ Lots of slash 

Disclaimer: All of them belong to CBS. I borrow, twist their minds, then brainwash them to remember what they should and let them go. No real harm… Really!  

A/N: Since ff.net ruins the usual paragraphing, this "~~~" means it's a new paragraph. 

-------------------------------------------------------

_Tim Speedle's Point-Of-View:_

I felt a lot better, thanks to Greg. He was a lot of help now. I turned to my phone and sighed. It was fair that I let him now how I am doing. It was going to be hard for me. I let out a slow breath. Calling him could mean two things: I was over him or I still want him in my life. I cannot stop kidding myself any longer anyway. Horatio made a point that he never wanted to be in a relationship with me. My only problem is that I can never get over him, not after those nights. Every time I get up from bed, I would remember his smell, his touch, his voice and the cuddles that came after. I am still confused over why he wanted it to end. He had proved more than once he loved me. Stop, Tim, stop. I kept telling myself that. I had to move on. I'm not alone now. Not really… Greg's a great friend but he made it clear to me that he was hetero. I knew that even before he knew about me. Looking for a relationship now was not a factor. I need to concentrate on myself. Once I cleared that out, maybe I can look for love. Maybe… I held the cordless phone in my hand before dialing a familiar number. It rang a few times before a familiar voice answered.

"Horatio." I could not help smirking at that. Even in the office, Horatio never said hello.

"H?" He must have recognized me because his voice changed soon after. It sounded hopeful.

"Hey. Vegas treating you well?" A lot better was what I wanted to say bitterly. But I had to answer something else.

"Same old, Horatio… Is the new kid better than me?" He chuckled before answering. God, how I missed that… Focus, Speedle!

"She's exactly what Grissom told me she would be." He was being vague. That means she's a lot better than I am. Well, H, you obviously never will change. I pushed my bitter thoughts aside. There was something he needed to know and regret for the rest of his life.

"H, listen… I think I'm going to be better off here than in Miami. So if there are any transfers or swaps, don't pick me, okay? It's not that I don't miss everyone but… I can't come back. Tell the guys they're welcome to come by but don't expect my return, okay?" As soon as I let it out, I felt much better than before. Horatio let out a defeated sigh.

"If that's what you want, Speed," he said, resignation in his voice.

"And I'm sorry, H," I mumbled. He was slightly taken by it. I could hear it in his voice.

"For what?"

"Putting you in a tight spot. On those nights and the pressure of relationships, I should've thought about the consequences. I hope that you and Yelina would be happy."

"Speed, what are you talking about? Did you think that I'm in love with Yelina?" Oh, don't toy with me, H. Even the corpses in the morgue can tell. 

"Yeah, you are," I answered," but even if you weren't, I won't be the one you want."

"How would you know that, Speed?" He asked his voice soft.

"I just do, okay? Horatio, I just called to tell you how I am in Vegas. Talking about this now would be redundant."

"Okay then," he said, brusquely," I hope you do well, Speed."

"Me too." Yeah, I hope I do well too. I hung up before slowly crawling into bed and cry my eyes out. I looked at the phone and decided to dial Greg's number. As the phone rang, I hoped that he could at least ease the pain…

~~~

"Here you go," the lab tech poured me a cup of coffee," Blue Hawaiian." He grinned at me before pouring his own. The both of us were alone in the break room. And I was enjoying the company. I needed it. "So the phone call was a failure?"

"No, a complete success," I said. True, I achieved my goal of telling Horatio to back off and the fact that I have moved on. "Now, I just have to suffer in pain." He passed me a donut with a lot of chocolate sprinkles. 

"Eat my friend. This is the only time where I can comfort you," he said, in a rather medieval tone. I smiled before taking a bite. "What are your plans now?"

"Work. Give my hundred and ten, then hope it works. If it doesn't, I'll jump into the river and hope to drown."

"Or just be an alcoholic," Greg quipped," you need more comfort food." He passed me another donut. I just stared at it and smirked. It was then when Nick stepped into the break room.

"Oo, donuts," he looked over the box hungrily. Greg snatched them away before letting the Texan near it. "Hey!" I just laughed before turning to Greg. 

"Give him one, Greg," I said. Nick took a donut before thanking me. "Is the Norbert case doing okay?" I asked, referring to his case, as he consumed his donut. Nick nodded.

"I got my trace report from Hodges on time," he pointed out before frowning," He gave it to me before Grissom though. Strange…" 

"Don't complain. Take it as a benefit," I said, smirking. 

"I am. But a guy doesn't change overnight. Something happened and I want to know what," Nick went, looking at the both of us. 

"Nick, I'm about as stumped as you are," I said, keeping a straight face. Greg snorted into his coffee. The Texan was now examining me from head to toe. Before he could say anything, Warrick entered, looking at our choice of food.

"Donuts? That's a cop cliché," he pointed out before going over to the box and taking a piece.

"You're doing a case on your own, right?" I asked, even though I knew that. I just wanted to say something to Warrick so that he knows that I know he's there. He nodded, smirking.

"Open and shut. The best kind."

"I wish all our cases are like that," Nick commented, sighing," but life is too cruel to allow us that sliver of hope." Warrick shook his head.

"When did you get so philosophical?" Nick just grinned. Warrick turned to me. "Gil wants to see you." I gave him a look.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Distracted by the donut," was his answer as he waved his treat. I smirked before leaving.

~~~

I watched Gil from the doorway. He was concentrated on his computer screen, probably doing a search on something related to a case. Now and then he would grip his left shoulder, as if he was nursing it. I stepped in then.

"Pain in the neck?" I asked, pointing to his shoulder. He gave me a look from below his glasses.

"I'm your boss, Tim. Generally, it's a standard operating procedure," he answered sarcastically. I smirked before shaking my head. Gil can be a kidder too. I watched him nurse it again. Sighing, I went behind him and placed my hands on his shoulders. "What are you doing?" I didn't answer but started massaging his shoulders. I felt him loosen up from under my fingers. As I rubbed his stiff shoulders, he closed his eyes and took slow breaths. He was relaxing. I applied more pressure to the left side. He moaned before looking up to me. "Why didn't you tell me you had magic fingers?"

"You never asked," I said," feeling better?" He nodded. I was about to stop when he caught my hands and shook his head. I smiled before continuing. "So, why did you want to see me?" I asked. 

"Nothing really…" he mumbled, in ultimate relax mode. My eyebrows knitted as I stared at my boss.

"You sure, Gil?" I quickly let go and cleared my throat before taking a seat in front of him. He straightened up before turning to me again.

"Actually, I was wondering whether you'd like to have dinner with me." The request made me nearly fall off my seat. Did Gil Grissom just ask me out? I got back up and gave him a confused look. "I know it is very weird and all but just one dinner." It was tempting. I cannot deny that Gil is attractive to me. But a date?! With the Bugman?! This was the same guy who turned down dinners with Sara countless times and he's asking me out?! He was now staring at me as I stared back in ultimate confusion. "Well?" He raised his eyebrows. 

"Okay. Why not?" I said, sounding casual. Why not? Because it's wrong, Speedle!! He gave me a smile before dismissing me off, saying that he'll discuss details later. I got up and left, wanting to talk to Greg about this but instead I turned towards the locker room. I needed to think things out by myself before asking for Greg's honest opinion. If I did tell him then I would not hear the end of it. That's something I'm not willing to face.

~~~

Dinner is going to turn out into two things: A fiasco or a good time. I hope it turns out to be both: A good fiasco. As planned, I met him at Almadine's. I had never been here so I hope it's good. I watched as he parked his Tahoe and climb out of the car. He was dressed in a navy blue sweater and black pants. Casual. Thank god I went against the suit idea.

"Why didn't you go in first?" He asked in a concerned voice. He probably noticed that I was rubbing my hands for warmth. I just smiled at him.

"I didn't make the reservations. I just find that rude." He smiled before leading the way. Once we were seated, I looked at Grissom. He was nonchalantly looking through the menu before looking up. I felt my cheeks burn when our eyes met. 

"What?" He asked. I smiled before shaking my head. Tim, you're making a fool out of yourself. He signaled for the waiter and ordered something. I looked at mine and ordered the cheapest food there. But Gil ordered two desserts for us. As soon as the waiter was gone, he smiled at me. "So any calls from Miami?" he asked. My smile faltered before shaking my head. "Really? Don't they miss you?"

"Yeah, they do but I work graveyard so they leave messages instead," I said. I guess he had not realized the reason I left.

"I've been doing that too," he noticed that I was confused. "Leaving messages for Sara." Oh, Sara. Well, my bet is she's having a heyday dating every Miami bronze. 

"I hope she gets them. I don't get why someone so outstanding would leave this top-notch crime lab. I wouldn't." I saw the guilt that struck in his eyes.

"Issues, Tim," he answered. "Why did you accept the transfer then?" He looked at me, boring into my very eyes. Oh, Gil, you're good. Shoot me with the question I've ignored everyone else has been asking. But I provided with an answer that meant well to Gil.

"Issues, Gil," I said, smirking at him. As soon as I said that, our food came. We ate, in silence for a moment, until I decided to say something. "You know, I'd prefer a burger, fries and a cup of Greg's Blue Hawaiian to this." I pointed to the measly salmon that was nicely decorated on my plate. Gil smiled.

"Yeah, and donuts."

"The cop cliché," I said, quoting Warrick. I guess the both of us warmed up after since we started talked about ourselves. We both have common bases when it came to books. I did notice that Gil loved quoting many poets and authors alike. I never guessed I had the same passion for literature as he did. We talked about some of his old cases and some of mine. He seemed to have taken interest in the disposition day and concerned when I revealed the fact that I got shot. He laughed when I joked that I bought stocks on Kevlar after. I glanced at him again as he laughed. He is really attractive. Not as charming as Horatio but still very poised. I blinked. Tim, stop. I sat up and cleared my throat as the desserts came. I could feel him watching me as he ate his own. Soon, we finished and Gil paid for it, despite my rebuttals not too. We stepped out of the restaurant together. I glanced at my watch. I hope I can get a cab… 

"I'll see you at work?" I said. I know I will. He nodded before letting me walk across the parking lot to the street. I looked around for a cab only to find Gil's Tahoe stopping in front of me a few moments later. "You're blocking the view for my cab." He gave me a look.

"What happened to your car?" He asked. 

"I decided to test a tree's strength with it," I mused. 

"Get in." I blinked at him.

"Excuse me?"

"I can't have my CSIs lost when I need them. Get in the car."

"No 'bitch'?" I smirked. I better stop. Gil was now glaring at me. "Okay, okay…" 

~~~

The Tahoe pulled up at my apartment building. I turned to him and smiled. 

"Thanks boss," I said. He just smiled back. I wanted to say something to not make this feel awkward. But my thoughts were blank as I took off my seat belt. I reached for the car door. Should I invite him in? Would he take it the wrong way? 

"What's wrong, Tim?" I turned to him and smiled. No, not now. I promised to just work. Getting involved in any relationship would be catastrophic. 

"Nothing. I'll see you at work, Gil," I mumbled before climbing out of the Tahoe. He was watching me from the car window. It seems like he was disappointed. "Thanks for everything, boss." The moment I said it, I realized that I had hurt him somehow. I didn't know how but I managed to. And I felt the guilt of doing something that I didn't want to do. I had to say something fast. "Next time, I'll take you out." I saw him lighten up a bit. Yeah, that's a good idea, Tim… 

"Okay, I'll see you then." At that, he drove off. I watched as the Tahoe turned the curb and disappeared from sight and sighed.

-------------------------------------------------------


	4. Unearthed Confusion

**Thoughts of Speed**

**Chapter 4: Unearthed Confusion**

By: Kuroi Neko-kun

Summary: Heartbroken by dejection, Speed transfers to Las Vegas in replacement of Sara Sidle. Will he find refuge or more pain?

From: CSI-CSI: Miami

Warnings: Slight slash/ Lots of slash 

Disclaimer: All of them belong to CBS. I borrow, twist their minds, then brainwash them to remember what they should and let them go. No real harm… Really!  

A/N: Since ff.net ruins the usual paragraphing, this "~~~" means it's a new paragraph. By the way, thanks for the reviews!

-------------------------------------------------------

_Tim Speedle's Point-Of-View:_

I need sleep. I know that but I could only toss and turn at the few days' events. I've had a rollercoaster ride of emotions since I came here. I took a deep breath as I thought about the gang at Miami. They miss me. A lot. Alexx would call every night asking whether I was sure about staying in Vegas. Calleigh would call just to ask how I was doing. She would say that Sara could never replace me. And Eric had offered from basketball tickets to a yacht for my return. But after the one phone call to Horatio, they stopped. Now, I miss listening to them begging for my return. I know that I should call them to apologize. I was harsh when I said what I said to Horatio. I should've called Calleigh or Eric first. Hell, I should've told them about my other side. But I didn't. And now, in Vegas… I wanted to not make the same mistakes I did in Miami. Greg became a good friend with me. He had asked me why I never told Nick or Warrick about myself. I couldn't. Nick was too friendly and Warrick was the type of guy who enjoys pounding my types in high school. So I couldn't. When he heard about Horatio, I guess he understood how it must felt. He said that he saw it in Sara. He never thought someone could relate to it as much as he did. Then I got my first few cases with Gil. He said it was better if I worked with him first before the other CSIs. And I did. I enjoyed working with Grissom. He was sharp, smart and very factual. Much different from Horatio… Am I comparing Gil to Horatio? Do I like him because he is different from Horatio or is it that he's Gil? Am I still thinking of H? Then why does Gil swim in my mind? I laid back into my bed and closed my eyes. Why did I accept the dinner invitation? Why did it hurt me to see Gil hurt when I didn't invite him in? Am I falling for my boss, like the last time? Am I really a bitch to authority? I wanted to shut off the questions but they just keep coming.

"Am I in love with Gil Grissom?" I asked myself as I opened my eyes. I wished that I could answer that question as the phone rang. I let it ring for a while till the answering machine got it. 

"Tim?" The familiar voice went. It was Greg. "Yo, where are you, buddy? I've been calling a million times already. Listen, Sara dropped a line to CSI just now. She said she was fine, blah, blah, blah… The usual. Well, I thought you'd like to know. And call me when you get back, okay?" He hung up. Good. I don't feel like talking right now. I went up to my machine and checked my messages. True enough, Greg called ten times. He must be worried since I did not speak to him since Gil asked me out. The last message played.

"Tim Speedle?" It was an unfamiliar female voice. I leaned closer to my machine. "I know you're on your shift right now. That's why I decided to call. I'm Sara Sidle. I know that you don't know me but I think I'm getting to know you from the Miami-Dade Crime Lab. You're everything to them here and that's the reason I called. Why would you leave such a place? I've heard nothing but good things about you, Tim, from everyone except for Horatio. I realized that there was a personal strain between the both of you. I know this isn't my business but I think he still wants you here. I just hate to see that guilt every time I see him. Maybe you should come back… Heh, I guess I want to come back too to put everything right. Listen Tim, if you feel like talking about it, you can call me or talk to Greg. I guess you should know that he could be a great listener too. Well, thanks for letting me ramble." That was the end of the message. I sighed. What everyone said about her is true. She's an outstanding CSI to even notice Horatio's feelings. I walked to the kitchen. I need a beer badly. I never thought that he'd still feel guilty about me. The phone rang again. I just stared at the machine. 

"Speed." I blinked at the slurry voice. Undeniably it was Horatio's but he was drunk. "Speed, if you ever get this call, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry. I never realized how I really felt about you. I don't know what else to say, Speed, but I need you. Hell, if you pop up at my office right now, I'll announce our wedding. Just come back to me." He stopped for a while. I heard him place down a cup and a sniffle. It's killing me right now. I need to make a decision but I can't. After leaving, I thought of nothing but Horatio and healing. Everything was just stabilizing in Vegas. I want it to be that way. But I couldn't ignore the plea. No, that was desperation in his slurry voice. He started to talk again. "But if you don't want to, then I hope you do have a better life in Vegas." He must be sobering up, realizing what he just said. Without thinking, I grabbed the phone.

"H," I said," don't hang up."

~~~

"Is that all?" Greg asked as he took a sip of his coffee. I nodded as I took a cup from him. We met at a diner where I ordered ahead two coffees. Once he arrived, I started talking about everything. This was the biggest rollercoaster of all. "After you asked him not to hang up, what did you do?"

"I choked. I know how much I wanted Horatio but I thought I made it clear I was over him. So I choked."

"This sucks," he said, wincing at the coffee before turning to me," You are not over him and he's not over you. What's the problem?" 

"Before all that," I mumbled," I had a dinner date with Gil." I could see him choke on his coffee. 

"Grissom?! Gil?! The Bugman?!" I nodded at all three exclamations. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?!"

"You wouldn't stop with the authority jokes. It's your fault, Greg." He gave me a small smile before sipping his coffee, waiting for me to speak. I sighed. "I got a weird vibe out of all this. I might be jumping to conclusions…"

"You are," he cut into my sentence," Gil probably felt sorry. He was nursing his own guilt by taking you out. He's not really over Sara either." What Greg had pointed out is true. I noticed it a lot when we're at work. I guess he never forgave himself. 

"Then I'm rebound?"

"No…" I gave him a look. "Yes, you're rebound." I took a sip from my coffee.

"This sucks."

"Yeah, can't compare to my Blue Hawaiian." I gave him another look. He realized I was not talking about the coffee. "Yeah, being rebound sucks too." I let out an exasperated sigh. 

"What am I going to do now, Greg?" 

"Work. Give your hundred and ten, then hope it works. If it doesn't, you jump into the river and hope to drown," he quipped. 

"Or be an alcoholic," I said, smirking," do you want to move to Vermont with me?" He gave me a look.

"I make a terrible wife, Tim," he said solemnly.

"God, I just wish this problem would go away."

"You need a reality check. The man you love still loves you. You still love him. But complications are involved since you took up a dinner date with the Bugman. Now I'm presuming that you're falling for him and still thinking about Horatio. For fear of making the wrong choice, you offer me a chance to move to Vermont. Am I close?" 

"I was joking about the Vermont thing, Greg."

"I know. But I couldn't help it," he said, grinning.

"So my problem is?"

"Vegas or Miami? Gil or Horatio, Tim? Pick." In a way, Greg was right. I needed to choose. I thought about it and the only thing that came to me was…

"Scranton!" I exclaimed. Greg looked at me like I grew three heads.

"That's a city in Pennsylvania, Tim. What does it have to do with you?" I felt like an idiot there.

"It was the first word that came to me?" 

"Well, I would have gone for Pittsburg but I tend to over_state _things," he quipped. 

"There's a lot of thinking to be done. Maybe I'll go to Scranton," I retorted. 

"No, stay here. It's easier for you to talk to me when you need me," Greg smirked. 

"Right."

~~~

I did not return to the comforts of my apartment when I left the diner. I started walking down the streets, thinking about my two choices. I do love Horatio but after the pain and the torture he put me through, I could not bring myself to forgive him yet. And, theoretically, Gil was using me as a rebound. If he was feeling guilty about Sara then I should just forget about forming a relationship there. I let out another frustrated sigh. My mind wandered to my dead best friend. When he was hospitalized, I told him that I would cure him. He just smiled at me and said, "Let time decide, Tim." I looked at the blue sky. It was good advice now. 

"Let time decide," I mumbled before walking to the direction of my apartment. Before I turned the doorknob to my apartment, I heard my phone ring. I was thinking of not answering for fear it was Horatio. I need time. But my body reacted faster. I rushed and picked up the receiver.

"Speedle," I mumbled.

"Finally," the person on the other line went," Tim, its Sara." I froze at the phone. Sara Sidle had made contact.

-------------------------------------------------------


	5. The Return

**Thoughts of Speed**

**Chapter 5: The Return**

By: Kuroi Neko-kun

Summary: Heartbroken by dejection, Speed transfers to Las Vegas in replacement of Sara Sidle. Will he find refuge or more pain?

From: CSI-CSI: Miami

Warnings: Slight slash/ Lots of slash 

Disclaimer: All of them belong to CBS. I borrow, twist their minds, then brainwash them to remember what they should and let them go. No real harm… Really!  

A/N: Since ff.net ruins the usual paragraphing, this "~~~" means it's a new paragraph. 

-------------------------------------------------------

_Tim Speedle's Point-Of-View:_

I returned to the night shift. My mind was still fuzzed over Sara's phone call. She was as confused as I am. She called, without even knowing whether I wanted to talk. She wanted Grissom as much as I wanted Horatio. And she wanted to come home and I wanted too. But we knew we can't. Feeling pressured by this sudden call, I sat at the break room silently. I knew that if there was a case, Gil will find me here. Since I have the time now… My beeper went off. 'DB Brass'. I sighed and took out my cell. Before I could, Nick was rushing his way to the door. Did Brass call everyone?

"Tim!" I turned to see Catherine running towards me. She tossed me a bunch of keys. "You're driving." Without a word, I ran with her.

~~~

It was an old warehouse. Brass had said that it was a hole for meth rats. The DB was found with a bag wrapped tightly over his head sealed with duct tape. I stood outside the door of the warehouse, not wanting to go in. My stomach was doing flip-flops. Catherine turned to me, worried.

"Are you okay?" I nodded slowly, still feeling uneasy.

"Having a sense of déjà vu," I muttered.

"You worked on meths before?" 

"Yeah… Since this was what it is, we should be careful…"

"What happened?" Nick asked. I looked at him gravely. 

"Tick, tick, boom," I drawled before going in. As I entered, I saw Warrick taking pictures on the crime scene. He slowly laid markers before taking another shot. I looked around, noticing there were many containers. "What's in the drums?" Without turning to me, Warrick answered.

"I took samples but I'm sure it's oil." I noticed that there were many car parts as well.

"The meths were fixing cars," I pointed out," Or dismantling them."

"Yeah, that's what Grissom said. He's not interested in my theory though," Warrick drawled.

"Well, you know he's all about the facts. Where is he anyway?" I noticed that he was not in the warehouse. Warrick pointed to an open door. Not wanting to bother him, I went to work on the body, taking pictures on the unusual marks and collecting samples. Catherine was dealing with the doors. Nick was in charge of bagging. He was close to me when he looked at a black box. 

"What do you think is in here?" he asked. I looked up. 

"Money?" Warrick went.

"More drugs?" Catherine took a shot.

"Porn?" All of them gave me a look. "What?" Nick just smirked at me.

"You're still green about Vegas. If you can afford meth…" he muttered as he slowly picked up the box. 'Click.' All of us heard that and stared at each other. Oh, déjà vu alright. I know that sound. 

"Bomb," I said. The three of them quickly grabbed what they could and rushed towards the exit. I was about to join them when I remembered. Gil. I ran into the room where he was still processing. I just grabbed him by the collar and headed towards the exit in that room. A few moments after we got out, the whole warehouse exploded. We fell at the shock of the explosion and rolled to the ground. As we stopped, Gil just stared at the flaming warehouse in shock. I blinked, only feeling a searing pain in my side. "Déjà vu…" I mumbled before everything went black.

~~~

I heard someone calling my name. It was really unclear but I could hear it. I forced myself to open my eyes, chasing the voice. When I did, I saw Gil, looking worriedly at me. 

"What happened?" I mumbled. 

"Tim, can you hear me?" he asked before turning behind," I need a paramedic!!" 

"Gil? What…?" He turned to me again. His composure was only on the outside. I looked into his eyes and saw the panic. I tried sitting up but my head was pounding excruciatingly and the pain at my side exploded. I let out an anguished moan. He took off his jacket and placed it below my head.

"Don't move," he whispered," you'll be fine."

"The warehouse… Bomb…" I started rambling. I could not think about anything else. Everything was swirl.

"It's okay," he placed a finger on my lips," we're on it." I felt his other hand stroking my hair. I felt comfortable except for the numbing pain at my side. I wanted to touch it but Gil pushed my hand away. Soon the paramedic came by and took me to the ambulance.

"Gil…" I mumbled, gripping his hand. I was starting to feel feverish.

"Sir?" The paramedic looked confusedly at him. He did not let go.

"I'll go with him."

~~~

As I allowed light to enter my eyes, everything spun around me. I closed my eyes in fear that I would hurl. I moved my fingers barely. I knew I was drugged but I had to move somehow. I felt warmth at my hand then. It was comforting to the chill I'm having right now. 

"Tim?" I didn't care whose voice that was. I know it was peaceful. I slowly opened my eyes. Everything was in place and I saw Gil's beautiful face again. I am in heaven. "Tim? How are you feeling?" The grip on my hand tightened. It was Gil. 

"A lot better," I mumbled, giving him a small smile," what happened?" A pained look colored Gil's face. 

"A shard of glass from the flying debris," he muttered," injured you. You didn't notice anything but I did when you fainted…"

"I was worried about you, Gil," I mumbled. He gave me a sad smile before touching my face. 

"Don't pull that stunt again," he warned, whispering in my ear. I smiled before nodding slowly.

"Okay." I felt the anesthetic tug me back to sleep. And I only dreamt about Gil.

 ~~~

The next time I woke up, Greg was waiting for me. He was pale and pacing about. By this time, my head was clearer and I was more aware. 

"Greg?" I whispered. Greg turned to me. He was so relieved that for a second I thought he might pounce on me for a hug.

"Tim! Thank god! You don't know how worried I am!" Greg started rambling. I let him talk. He was worried about me. I guess I can't blame him. "Is there anything I can do for you, Tim?" I shook my head, even though I found the thought tempting.

"The case?" Greg looked at me, as if he expected that. He smirked.

"No updates. Evidence was compromised, all of the CSIs are tweaked, Eckley's not putting it down that we fouled up and that our CSI managed to ruin evidence once again. Grissom is the worse. I've never seen him so edgy. Cath said that if you didn't pull him out in that warehouse, he'd be debris too." 

"Well, tell him that if we can prove that the bomb was planted, we can get the guy for attempting to murder every officer that was in the crime scene…"

"I wouldn't do that yet." I was shocked that Grissom was at the door. Shouldn't he be at the crime lab? Greg asked that question for me. 

"Shouldn't you be at the crime lab?"

"Shouldn't you?" he retorted before sighing," we managed to gather some evidence before the…" He drifted off, not looking at me. He passed me a file. I just stared at him, confused.

"Gil, I thought I'm not on the case…"

"I was passing by."

"With the case file conveniently in your hands?" Gil glared at Greg. "I think I'll get myself a cup of coffee." He disappeared. Once he did, Gil turned to me with a softer expression on his face as he took off his glasses. 

"I just wanted to say thank you… If you didn't…"

"Gil, I've worked on this in Miami…" He placed a finger on my lips gently and sat on the bed, carefully. He shook his head before that finger traveled to my wound. What is he doing? I wanted to say it but I couldn't. His presence alone was captivating me. He gripped my hand.

"Thank you for saving my life, Tim," he said. 

"I guess you owe me, Grissom," I said, smirking. He chuckled softly before touching my face. I don't like where this is going at all. I glanced at him nervously. "Gil?"

"Shh…" He placed the finger on my lips again before shifting slowly to my cheek. I took a sharp nervous breath. My emotions and my mind were having a tussle. "I'm going to pay you back now…" He kissed me full on the lips. My eyes widened in alarm. Is this happening? Is Gil Grissom kissing me willingly? He broke off and looked at me. There was not any doubt in his eyes. He knew what he did. And I was ultimately confused by his move. And he knew I still was but he started kissing my neck. Each kiss sent an electric spark into my spine. I tried to push him off but my arms were weakened by the kiss.  

"Gil…" I mumbled," I… don't… understand…" He just gave me a small smile. He was about to say something when someone cleared his throat. Gil jumped off the bed at that instant and turned to the doorway. I looked up as well and gasped. My eyes widened when I saw who it was. Standing tall and serious at the door of my ward was Horatio. "No way…" I mumbled. I cannot believe this. His eyes riveted from looking worriedly at me to glaring at Gil. "What are you doing here?" my voice sounded curious, not the bitterness I wanted to portray. I hope Gil did not notice. Horatio turned to me.

"I was worried," he stated, entering the room. My current boss watched the redhead's every move with fury, no doubt. I let out a small sigh before reluctantly turning back to Horatio.

"H, you didn't have to come all the way to Vegas…" I started to argue but Horatio cut my sentence and occupied the place where Gil had sat just before. He touched my cheek. I flinched before looking worriedly at Gil. He was clenching and unclenching his fist, keeping his composure intact. 

"Only for you, Speed…" Gil cleared his throat, notifying us that he was still in this room. I didn't need that. I know. 

"I'm needed back at the lab…" He muttered before briskly leaving. 

"Gil," I called out but he was already out the door. I pushed Horatio's hand away from me and glared at him. "What the hell was that about, Caine?!" He held his look of superiority. He didn't even flinch when I called him by his last name. He knew that look turned me on the most but I'm not falling for it. No, Horatio. You underestimated me. I just defiantly glared at him.

"So are you sleeping with him too?" he asked, in a sarcastic tone. My anger was intensified.

"Are you here because you were worried? Or is there something else you want to throw at my face?" In response, Horatio placed his hand to my chest. I took a sharp breath.

"You can't run, Speed. Not for long…"

"Then I won't run anymore," I retorted before taking his hand off me. It was hard to ignore the sensuality of all of this. But my mind was still tugging at Gil. It was enough distraction from Horatio. My former boss gave me a smirk before tossing his card onto my table.

"I'm going to be in town for a couple of weeks, Speed. I wrote my hotel room on that. Keep it." With that, he left. Again, he had managed to mentally torture me. With all the rage that was inside me, I wanted to tear the card in small little pieces. But I couldn't. In a way, it touched me that Horatio rushed his way here for me. Instead, I kept the card in my wallet. Guilt tugged me when I saw the case file that was abandoned on the table. Gil… I searched for my cell and was about to give him a call when I didn't. He kissed me and then, Horatio showed up, reminding me what mess I had made in Miami. I can't let anything continue with Gil. God, I wish I could. My attraction to Gil was blossoming to something else. Greg was right, like he had always been. I'm falling for Gil Grissom and still love Horatio Caine. I tossed my phone aside. Hoping the pain and frustration will go away. 

~~~

I returned to the crime lab two days later. By then, Gil caught the perpetrator and grilled him with his only weapon: facts. Everyone was genuinely glad I was back and alive. I told them I couldn't wait being back. This was my life. The only one I had. Greg, on the other hand, was shooting me worried glances every now and then. Grissom ordered me to stay in the lab. I help everyone else with the evidence. I am a lab techie until I am well enough to be in the field. Of course, I picked to help with DNA, much to the disdain of the CSIs. But Gil never said anything but "okay." I watched him walk back to his office. I wanted to follow him and tell him that I never did anything with Horatio after. Somehow, I couldn't. I just walked to the DNA and told Greg the good news.

"You don't look too happy," he said as I grabbed an evidence bag from Grissom's case. Greg gave me a look. "Is it about Horatio?" Hold up, Greg knows about the incident? 

"How did you know about that?" I asked, slightly snappy. Greg pointed to the outside of the lab as a response. Horatio was standing there, watching the both of us. I glowered before stepping out. This isn't good at all.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed. It was a good question.

"You never told me you were released from the hospital," he pointed out. I didn't want to tell him. It would be a hindrance if I did.

"Aren't you needed back in Miami where you _belong_?" I stressed on the last word. He just chuckled before grabbing my arm, pulling me closer to him. Our bodies nearly touch. I was a bundle of nerves, looking nervously over his and my shoulder. What if Gil caught us in such a position?

"I know where I belong, Speed. You obviously don't," he whispered in my ear," I want you back, Speedle. And no one will stop me from getting you back." I glanced at Greg who was ready to reach for the phone. I shook my head. No, don't call Gil. He must have noticed the desperation in my eyes because his hand moved away from it. Horatio released my arm from his grip. "Let's talk this over some lunch. I'll come over to pick you up, okay?" I nodded slowly. As I watch him leave, I knew that I needed to patch things up with Gil or it will leave me tortured forever.

-------------------------------------------------------


	6. Until It Sleeps

**Thoughts of Speed**

**Chapter 6: Until It Sleeps**

By: Kuroi Neko-kun

Summary: Heartbroken by dejection, Speed transfers to Las Vegas in replacement of Sara Sidle. Will he find refuge or more pain?

From: CSI-CSI: Miami

Warnings: Slight slash/ Lots of slash 

Disclaimer: All of them belong to CBS. I borrow, twist their minds, then brainwash them to remember what they should and let them go. No real harm… Really!  

A/N: Since ff.net ruins the usual paragraphing, this "~~~" means it's a new paragraph. I'm sorry but when I was listening to this song, it practically related to the story. I'll leave part of the lyrics here and you think about it.

-------------------------------------------------------

Until It Sleeps by Metallica

-------------------------------------------------------

Where do I take this pain of mine  
I run, but it stays right my side

~~~

So tear me open, pour me out  
There's things inside that scream and shout  
And the pain still hates me  
So hold me, until it sleeps

~~~

Just like the curse, just like the stray  
You feed it once, and now it stays  
~~~  
So tear me open, but beware  
There's things inside without a care  
And the dirt still stains me  
So wash me, until I'm clean

~~~

So tell me why you've chosen me  
Don't want your grip, don't want your greed  
~~~  
I'll tear me open, make you gone  
No more can you hurt anyone  
And the fear still shakes me  
So hold me, until it sleeps

-------------------------------------------------------

Answers to Raven's questions:

1) Actually, H is desperate and wants Speed so bad. I don't know why I wrote him so obsessive.

2) I wanted to add Sara in the concoction at first but I realized that it'd just confuse me and make the story longer. I wanted to end at 6 chapters. Speed won't call Sara.

3) I wrote the full story before posting it. I was afraid no one would like it. But I do read the reviews for the chapters I posted and try alternatives for each (if I'm not lazy…). 

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews.

-------------------------------------------------------

_Tim Speedle's Point-Of-View:_

I only saw Gil when I handed him the DNA results. He must be avoiding me because he never looked at me in the eyes. Did Horatio affect him that much? Am I really rebound? Those questions are not my priority even though it swims in the endless void in my mind. 

"You'll love me," Greg said as he hopped over to my work area. I gave him a look.

"Why?" He held up a report for me.

"I guess I forgot to pass this to Grissom when he was here and I'm backlogged right now. You're free, right?" He mockingly asked before smirking. "This should give him a chance to talk to him." I looked at the report. It was tempting… But no, the cold shoulder was already torture.

"He'll avoid me again, like a roach to insecticide," I muttered. 

"Come on, Tim," he pleaded," I don't like the tension here and I don't want to lose my only best friend." I smirked at him before taking the paper. 

"Thanks for admitting that, Greggo."

~~~

There was no way I can talk to him right now, not with the big emotional mess I put myself in. I slowly took my steps, thinking about what to say and do. Gil was not as straight forward as Horatio. If I ask, he'll find a way to beat around the goddamned bush. And there was no way I can allow that to happen. Only chance, Speed, don't waste it. I took a deep breath before knocking on the door. Please be in, Gil…

"It's open." I let out a sigh of relief before stepping into his office, aptly closing the door behind me. He was hunched at his computer, probably still filling up case files. I slid the report on his table. That was when he looked up. "Oh, it's you…" I gave him a small smile.

"You don't seem happy to see me," I pointed out. He let out a small sigh before taking off his glasses. 

"Well, I just expected Greg to give me a long drabble before handing the report." He took the paper and read it. It lasted for a few minutes till he looked up. "Is there anything else, Tim?" I placed my hands on his table, leaning the weight of my body on my arms.

"Yeah, why have you been avoiding me?" He let out another sigh before placing the paper down.

"I'm swamped with cases, Tim…"

"But you still found the time to hand me a case file when I was hospitalized," I drawled.

"Now's not the time for that," he said, reaching out for another file. I caught his hand. My heart was now hammering in my chest as he stared at me, slightly shocked.

"I think now is the perfect time," I mumbled, letting his hand go. He leaned forward, crossing his arms and looked at me, waiting for me to speak again. I took a deep breath.

"How did you know?" He gave me a look. It was a vague question but it was the one that stuck out the most. How did he know? 

"Know what, Tim?" I took a shorter breath and started rubbing the back of my neck. I was nervous and uncomfortable about this.

"That I am who I am…" I mumbled, not looking at him. Boy, am I uneasy…

"Who you are?" He uncrossed his arms. "Who are you, Tim?"

"Timothy Speedle," I answered, almost mechanically," detective, CSI level 3 of the Las Vegas Crime Lab." Gil reached out and held my hand. It brought a jolt straight to my heart. He looked straight into my eyes. I saw, then, Gil's gentle and caring side. 

"Who are you, Tim?" he asked again, only in a softer voice. 

"Timothy Speedle," I answered, in a much more humane voice," thirty-one years old. Single and gay." He smiled at me before gripping my hand.

"I know that," he whispered. 

"But how?"

"I heard you tell Greg," he said, grinning.

"In the locker?" He nodded, "about H?" That made a lot of sense. Why else would he run off when Horatio came? I fell into the seat in front of him, relieved. I'm glad THAT'S over.

"Can I ask something?" He said, leaning back.

"Shoot."

"Are you still in love with Caine?" That was a question I'd like the answer to. I really don't know and if I said something wrong I might hurt Gil. I was afraid of that. I had to prove it to myself. After the events that had happened, I should make it clear to myself and to him. 

"Prove me right," I mumbled, staring into his eyes. He gave me a look. 

"What do you mean?"

"Kiss me," I said," like you did in the hospital."

"Tim… I can't. Not here…" I know I wasn't thinking about consequences but I moved forward and kissed him full on the lips, almost hungrily. He was shocked at first but he gave in to the kiss. As we slowly broke apart, I looked at him. He was flustering. Aw, that's cute… He cleared his throat and looked at me. "Were you right?" I shook my head before moving to behind his desk and kissed him again. I couldn't help it. He was so irresistible. As we broke apart once more, I gave him a redundant answer. 

"No, I'm completely wrong…" I made my choice then, with Grissom's bugs as my witness that I wanted to love Gil Grissom more than anything in the world. I finally belonged.

~~~

It was almost like a kooky coincidence as I stepped into my car when it rained. Now, I parked it at the parking lot of my destination, a small motel at the outskirts of Vegas, and glanced at the card. I never thought I'd be here on any circumstances. I walked to door number fifty-six and knocked at the door. This was it. There was no way he's going to torture me anymore. He opened the door with a knowing smirk.

"You came," he said, smug dripping from his voice. He motioned me to come in. I did and sat at the chair, waiting for him. He touched my shoulders before whispering in my ear. "Do you know where you belong?" His hand traveled down my chest. I took a deep breath.

"Yes." He walked in front of me and smirked. "I came to tell you that, Horatio."

"That's all?" I nodded, my mind concentrating on Gil. I gripped Horatio's shirt.

"I'm not your little bitch anymore, H," I muttered," I belong here, in Las Vegas, with Gil Grissom. Remember that." I let him go and watched him take everything in. "You say I don't know where I belong, you obviously don't either." 

"Speed…"

"H, you closed that door. Even after that, I left mine open but you never came. I already closed it now. Talk about bad timing," I smirked," you have a better life, Horatio. Just leave me out of it, okay?" We stared at each other, eye-to-eye. He understood what I meant. He smiled at me, genuinely.

"Is Gil that good?" he asked.

"I don't know. We're on our first date," I said, shrugging. "I'll be off, H."

"Take care of yourself and him," was his advice. I will, H, forever.

~~~

I was wondering whether I should have called when I arrived at a house in the suburbs. I stood at his walkway, pacing about, getting myself soaked in the rain, and thinking. I love Gil. I'm certain of that but I am now afraid that he had second thoughts about me. Gil was famous for second thoughts. I know it for a fact. I was unsure about Caine but I advanced anyway. That got me in a lot of mess. Will Gil be the same? Something hovered above me, sheltering me from the rain. I turned to face Gil. 

"Are you planning to fall sick at my front lawn?" he quipped. 

"No…"

"Come in, Tim. I was making hot chocolate. It's lonely drinking alone," he said, flashing a small smile. I returned with a sad one. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Do you… love me?" I nearly squeak the last two words. He gave a look before smiling again. 

"Prove me wrong," he answered. I kissed him full on the lips before sliding my arms around his neck. He must have dropped his umbrella because I felt the rain falling on me again. I might get hypothermia but I don't care. I know he loves me as he places his arms around me. People might be watching but I don't care. I might die tomorrow and I really don't care. We slowly broke apart and he looked into my eyes. 

"Are you wrong?" I asked.

"No, I'm completely right." He kissed me again, a small one before pulling me to his house. As we reached the porch, I pulled him into another kiss. I want him and he knew. He pushed away lightly and opened the door, leading me to his living room. He slammed the front door close before pushing me onto a wall. I stopped his hands first and looked at him.

"Gil… I love you," I whispered. 

"I know…" He answered before sealing it with a chaste kiss on my lips. I let go of his hands and allowed him to manhandle me. It's okay. I'll be doing the manhandling later…

~~~

The both of us were tired as we fell into each other's arms on Gil's bed. He snuggled under my arm, touching my chest. It was comforting. I watched him study me in interest. He touched a small scar on my chest. 

"What's this?" I turned away from his eyes. I knew I have told him about the disposition case but I never told him how bad it affected me. He kept his eyes still on me. 

"You know what it is, Gil…"

"A bad memory from the disposition case?" he pointed out. I nodded. "I know it's hard for you, Tim, but if you don't want to talk about it, I won't pester you. You know that I'm here for you…"

"I know…" He kissed the scar before snuggling back into my arms. I wanted to watch him sleep but as soon as he did, I felt my eyes droop and I was tugged to dreamland. And I only dreamt about Gil. And I always will…

-------------------------------------------------------

Fin


	7. The Other Side

Thoughts of Speed 

**Chapter 7:  The Other Side**

By: Kuroi Neko-kun

Summary: Heartbroken by dejection, Speed transfers to Las Vegas in replacement of Sara Sidle. Will he find refuge or more pain?

From: CSI-CSI: Miami

Warnings: Slight slash/ Lots of slash 

Disclaimer: All of them belong to CBS. I borrow, twist their minds, then brainwash them to remember what they should and let them go. No real harm… Really!  

A/N: Since ff.net ruins the usual paragraphing, this "~~~" means it's a new paragraph. This is a special chapter in Gil's Point of View. For the sake of Valentine's Day…   

-------------------------------------------------------

_Gil Grissom's Point of View_

Sara had left my life, leaving a gaping hole of pain and guilt as I let her leave. I could not stop her, at all. All I did was watch, like always. It hurt but I knew I'd get over it. Maybe… I sat in my office, going through some case files, figuring out whom I would give the next case to. I came across an employee file. Ah yes, Sara's replacement is coming today. Timothy Speedle… I wonder what made him leave. I pushed the thoughts aside, all the thoughts, and fed my spider. 

"So this is your recluse?" I glanced at the door where Cat was smirking at me.

"Good evening, Catherine…" I mumbled as I closed the feeding hole of the spider's cage. I never took my eyes from the cage. 

"Griss, I know that you're feeling the guilt of being responsible for Sara leaving…." I sighed. Here we go. Cat's emotional lectures… I do not need this. "But you've got to understand that this was inevitable. From the way things were going, you couldn't avoid the time when she gets fed up."

"Cat…" I started but stopped. The look on Cat's face was enough to stop me. She was trying her best not to blame me for the separation of her best friend. I took a breath, thinking about what to say. "I guess I could apologize…" 

"Too late now, isn't it?" she didn't snap it at me, instead she just mumbled it softly. What can I do now? It is too late… There was a knock on the door. The both of us turned to see the replacement. 

"Tim!" Cat exclaimed, smiling at him. Tim smiled back.

"Hi, Cat…" he mumbled.

"So you're the replacement," she said, shooting me a look. Well, I guess that blows my element of surprise. 

"Yeah," he muttered," I'm kinda lost. Is this Gil Grissom's office?" 

"Yes," I said, holding out my hand," Gil Grissom." Tim blinked before staring at me with an incomprehensible look. He was almost gaping. Was there something on my face? I looked into his eyes and saw something I could understand. Pain and crushed hopes. I should know, I saw it in Sara's the day she left. My guilt instantly shot my heart. This was going to hurt…

~~~

I had spent the last week "hogging the new guy", as Nick would say. I can't help it. I needed to evaluate him. He was everything the transcript had said. Outstanding. I could not steer away from the expression on his face when he looks at me sometimes. Did he notice something he shouldn't have? Or is it just me? I watched him processing the crime scene, not letting go of the camera that I had passed him. He knows his work and was obviously addicted to it. I wanted to say something but I couldn't think of anything. He would glance at me and would want to but he did not let anything out. 

"What do you think happened, Gil?" he asked, breaking the long silence. He must have not seen so many murder cases before. Fresh murder cases… on the same shift.

"Murder," I said simply, collecting some hair on the scene. He looked over my shoulder.

"I think this was a party house," he mumbled. I gave him a look.

"Party house?" 

"Well, some people own houses just for parties," he explained," there's a lot of them in Miami."

"How can you tell?"

"All the hair samples," he pointed to the evidence I collected," mostly female, different colors. And the beer bottles and the surround system… And we have not searched the rooms yet." He gave me a hopeful smile. I just kept my usual stern look and did not return it. 

"Still, this is evidence…"

"I know. But Ho—" he stopped, turning away from me. Ho what? I wanted to ask but I kept it. It seemed personal. I don't want to tread in those waters… Yet. I concentrated on the case.

"The rooms would be a massive DNA carnival. We might need a few more CSIs on this job."

"Would need," he corrected me. I gave him a look.

"In the meantime, you're swabbing the bedroom," I said. He groaned before glaring at me.

**~~~**

It was not a great night shift for all of us. Six murder cases… I could see him physically fade away. He is doing his best keeping up with the lab's pace. I feared that he might break. Now, he's working with Nick and Warrick on a triple homicide. So far, no complaints… I looked at the case files that are still open. We need to solve them quick. Pulling Warrick of the homicide would seem like a good idea… But as he walked pass my office, I got up and called out for him. He stopped.

"Yeah?" I held my breath, thinking about what to say. There was something about Tim that made my mind clear of anything else. And I stood there, like a complete idiot, without anything to say. "Gil?"

"What?" I blinked, realizing that I was staring at him," sorry… Tim, I have a few cases and we're shorthanded. Nick and Warrick can work on this one without you."

"Are you sure about that?"

"I need you, Tim," I said. He was now staring at me with the same incomprehensible look he gave me the first time we met. Once I blinked, the look disappeared. I didn't think about it again as it did.

"Okay," he answered," I'm game."

"Good," I said, handing him a case file," get to work."

~~~

I took out some of my old clothes from my locker. Cat had been complaining that they stank and she would die from the fumes. Right. But I had to remove them anyway. I did not realize that anyone else was in it until I heard someone spoke.

"Tim…" That was undeniably Greg's voice, only much more subtle and serious. "Tim, listen… I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry. I know I touched a nerve but I thought you seriously got over it." I stopped. Got over what? Grissom, are you even sure you want to be eavesdropping in all this?

"Look, Greg," Tim started saying," I left because Horatio never let the fact that I was not straight go. He opened the door, let me have a breather, and then slammed it at my face. That was compromised with the fact that he was incredible in bed as well. Every time I hungered for his touch, he gave in. But when I started talking about a relationship, he backed off and shut me out. I was his goddamn dinosaur and I hate knowing that fact. I'm tainted, Greg, by Horatio Caine. I left to choke it, not give it life, but when I lie in bed, I remember…" I heard soft sniffles then. My mind was racing from the conversation, comprehending what it meant. I finally found the reason why he left Miami. Somehow, I felt a suppressed anger coming from myself and I am completely surprised by it. I wanted to hit something but I took a deep breath and waited for the both of them to leave.

~~~

As soon as he entered shift, I noticed there was something different about Tim. He was a lot more moody and was distracted. He hung out with Greg a lot more and they were not fooling around. Greg was consoling him. I could see that but I chose to ignore it. Finding out about Tim was not all that uncomfortable to me. It was all the opposite. It made it easier for me to work with him. I somehow felt sorry for him. I know I spaced Sara out but what Horatio did to him is just wrong. Maybe if I did something, it could cheer him up a bit… There was a very huge risk that I might attract him to me. I don't care… I don't like him all sad. I was about to leave Warrick came into my office. Good. 

~~~

Sometimes when you do something for some other reason, you realize it's for a different one. That was how I felt the night I took him out. Throughout the dinner, I could not help my emotions from tumbling over and over. Every time I look at him, I felt so warm, so safe. So vulnerable… And every time he looks at me, I felt my heart jolt. Why am I acting like this? I pushed it aside, enjoying the dinner as much as I could. And I did. Soon after, I took him home, hoping to be with him more. But all he said was, "I'll see you at work, Gil." No, he was ending this now. That's a good thing… Right? "Thanks for everything, boss." That stung. I'm just his boss. Just the boss… "Next time, I'll take you out." I looked at him, trying to keep myself from grinning. 

"Okay, I'll see you then." That is a great idea. I drove off, not before I took a last glance at him.

~~~

I was first to arrive on the scene with Warrick. Jim had paged the rest on the guys as we entered the already cleared warehouse. My attention was drawn to number of car parts and oil drums in the warehouse, 

"The meths were fixing cars," I pointed out," Or dismantling them."

"Well, looks like they're that bored… You know, I think…" I didn't let Warrick continue. The only room that was in the warehouse distracted me. 

"You deal with here," I said, going in. 

~~~

It just happened to fast. The others came, processing the warehouse while I was still in the room. I heard them scurry. Scurry? Before I could look up, I saw someone rushing to me. I could barely register when he grabbed me by the collar pulling me out. A few seconds later, the warehouse blew. I watched the debris fly, shielding myself from a few. I was still shaken. Did that just happen?

"Déjà vu…" I heard my savior mumble before he fainted. I realized who it was. No… My hand felt something warm on his side. Blood. 

"TIM!" I started to panic. No, not him… My hand ran to search for the wound. It was a long shard of glass. My mind was on automatic. My first thought was to keep him conscious. "Tim!" I patted his face, lightly. "Wake up…"

His eyes were struggling to keep open. 

"What happened?" he mumbled. 

"Tim, can you hear me?" Stay awake, please… I turned behind me, hearing the sirens. "I need a paramedic!!" I shrugged off my jacket and placed it under his head, comforting him best I could. You're not going to die on me, Tim. I sat beside him when he was rushed off. Please… Let him live.

~~~

I climbed into my car, fighting back the tears that were about to fall. The man of his life is back. I guess Tim could never forget about him. I wiped away the tears on my cheek before I placed my hand on my lips. I kissed him. I remembered that. Why did I kiss him? What did I do? I took a deep breath, realizing I was falling for Tim. It's too late now… Isn't it? 

~~~

Keeping the distance seemed like the best idea at the moment. I forced Tim to be the lab rat. I don't care where he went. I just sat in my office and concentrated on my work, like I always would. Yeah… Life is like this. And it's the best. Just be old unemotional Gil… I stared at the case file, not paying attention to it. My mind was still tugging at Tim. I'm such an idiot. Why couldn't I just tell him how I felt? I had so many chances before Horatio came back. Why Gil? I wish I could answer that right now. I just wished that I had one opportune moment with him to tell him all that. I heard someone politely knock at my door. 

"It's open," I muttered, not wanting to bother to look who it was. A report was slid to me. I looked up and realized whom it was. Tim… My wish came true? I was slightly shocked at it but I kept a straight face. "Oh, it's you…" I said. I mentally kicked myself. Am I trying to push him away again? I don't want to but I can't say it. No… Sara was hard… Tim is just harder.

"You don't seem happy to see me," he said. I let out a small sigh before taking off my glasses, contemplating on this. Should I just let go? 

"Well, I just expected Greg to give me a long drabble before handing the report." I took the paper and read it. It lasted for a few minutes till I looked up. Should I just let this be what it is? "Is there anything else, Tim?" Should I just pretend that nothing happened? He placed his hands on the table, leaning the weight of his body on his arms. 

"Yeah, why have you been avoiding me?" I let out another sigh before placing the paper down. Should I just be boss?

"I'm swamped with cases, Tim…"

"But you still found the time to hand me a case file when I was hospitalized," he pointed out. That stung, but I never let it show.

"Now's not the time for that," I said, reaching out for another file. He caught my hand. The touch caused me to stop and look at him, shocked. My heart was jolting. My mind was blank.

"I think now is the perfect time," he mumbled, letting my hand go. I just leaned forward, crossing my arms and looked at him, waiting for him to speak again. Tim took a deep breath.

"How did you know?" I gave him a look. How did I know? What Tim? My own feelings? 

"Know what, Tim?" I asked, keeping my voice from shaking. I was feeling nervous like I was interrogated. He took a shorter breath and started rubbing the back of his neck. I guess I'm not the only one.

"That I am who I am…" he mumbled, not looking at me. What does he mean? Who he is? I realized what he was talking about. And he was not admitting it. Not yet… If he could open up to me, then maybe I will too. But I have to make him.

"Who you are?" I uncrossed my arms. "Who are you, Tim?" I looked straight into his eyes.

"Timothy Speedle, detective, CSI level 3 of the Las Vegas Crime Lab." I reached out and held his hand. It was warm and so soft, so unlike mine. I turned to him again, letting my emotions to the talking without words. 

"Who are you, Tim?" I asked again, softer. 

"Timothy Speedle," he answered, in a much more humane voice," thirty-one years old. Single and gay." Done. He said it. I smiled at him before gripping his hand.  He does not know that makes me feel better.

"I know that," I whispered.  

"But how?"

"I heard you tell Greg." I was grinning at him. And he gave me a look. 

"In the locker?" I nodded, "about H?" He fell into the seat in front of me, relieved. My turn. I needed to know a lot now. 

"Can I ask something?" 

"Shoot." 

"Are you still in love with Caine?" I want to know that. It's a question for the both of us. It will be a decision for me to continue this or not. 

"Prove me right," he mumbled, staring into my eyes. Prove him right? I gave him a look. 

"What do you mean?"

"Kiss me," he said," like you did in the hospital." What? Here? I glanced around, nervous.

"Tim… I can't. Not here…" I mumbled. But he didn't wait for anything. He kissed me. I was shocked but I gave in. This is what I wanted for so long. He looked at me as we broke off. I felt the blood rush to my face. I cleared my throat and looked at him. "Were you right?" He came to me and kissed me again. When we broke apart, he looked at me.

"No, I'm completely wrong…" He whispered before kissing me again.

~~~

Many people do not realize that there are so many things that are wrong but completely right at the same time. It's all a matter of perspective. Like war, riots, slavery and same sexual marriages or, in my case, falling in love with a co-worker who is not female. I thought I could be alone but with all the current circumstances, I felt that I needed someone too. Someone who has common ground with me. Sara tried but she couldn't. And I wouldn't. I got out of bed slowly, not wanting to wake him up. He must be tired of the night's work. And me, hindering his much needed sleep again. It had been a couple of weeks since we decided to move in together. Coincidentally, it was the first time since a long time we worked on a case together. Just us. I smiled, looking at him. I could not resist just resting back with him. For now, anyway…

-------------------------------------------------------


End file.
